Photos from the 14 days i lived in Pittsburgh PA

two people to love

Back in September of 2009 i found myself perusing craigslist for new friends and also reading dating profiles just out of boredom more than anything. i came across a profile under "strictly platonic" that was a young man who recently moved to Buffalo that was trans. i saw the pics he included and my heart just went out to him. so i wrote him so we could be friends, after a good month or more of emails back and forth i finally let my "creepy people off craigslist guard down " and decided to meet him. i expected a man dressed as a woman because thats what he implied he was, but instead i met this tall drink o'water hot athletic man. blonde hair, blue eyes just all around dreamfest. it was very confusing because i just thought how is it that this ken doll of a guy wants to be a woman doesn't he realize how much being a woman sucks ha ha. so we hung out and talked he was very mature for his ripe age of 20 years. we started calling each other on the phone regularly which is weird in this day and ages text marathon. i remember thinking wow phone calls how 80's but i'm into it. we hung out several times and i found myself being attracted being pulled into the mystery that he is/was. by halloween we went to a party and he grabbed my face and kissed me it was so nice i remembered thinking how innocent and high school the kiss was cause here i am this 30 year old woman being all coy and shy. he just manned up and took charge of pursuing me. which was nice cause it had been a long time since anyone had. i have to tell you that in the time we dated he dressed as man 98% of the time, so i was attracted to him that way. when he dressed as woman which was rare he changed he acted like a 12 year old girl which was odd and made me feel weird. i just couldn't wrap my head around the situation even though i was supportive and helpful. i even met his family i spent the holidays with them and i just adored his parents what wonderful people. i'm sure your wondering what was the sex like well it was nice at first pretty normal and loving. cause he is like me in the way that he allows himself to love someone which is such an amazing quality. i feel that even if something ends i still like to know i gave it a real shot. its nice to have those moments where you just look into someone's eyes and kiss them and assure them that they are amazing. cause we all are amazing in our uniqueness and our weakness. eventually he started to take steps in furthering his transition first electrolysis then came the meds...the hormones..or the mones as they call them. things changed and very abruptly. the only way i can explain it is take a man on steroids and give him a "period". its like all the emotions of a hysterical woman and mix it with a bodybuilders fury. it was scary at times, crying , screaming, punching a wall scary. i wanted to be a help i even went to a therapy session with him. i was very honest with the therapist on how confusing it was for me cause heres a guy dressed as a guy eating food like a wolverine and leaving the toliet seat up yet wants me to address him as her. she surprisingly agreed with my perception. i started to advertise my business as a photographer and started getting work and soon enough i started choosing my work over hanging with him. 1. because i love what i do 2. cause every time i was around him it was drama. the type of drama i had a 17, and i just couldn't go back to it. so i decided it best to end the relationship. i took several months off from talking to him, i think i should be correct now and say her. because i want to respect her choice and be a friend. but for a while i couldn't, it felt like a death of this man that swept me off my feet. i recently contacted Jess to see how she was finally all of my feelings evaporated so it was ok for me to be in her life again. she is doing well and in a new relationship that suits her more than i did. i'm glad i really am, i love when someone who was hurt and broken comes back to life reemerging as themselves with a new desire to live. hearing her laugh and joke with her new girlfriend put me at ease and made me remember that everything happens for a reason. love may not last with someone but it may prepare you for the next love coming into your life. i don't regret the time we shared i look back on it fondly and think wow that happened and it was really fucking cool. i'm also glad i got to take pic's of her in the very begining stages of her journey as well as the great pic's of us when we were super excited that we even just knew each other.

Sometimes you gotta leave a place to realize you love it.

A few months ago my friend Cristina and i decided to visit Pittsburgh PA on a whim, as soon as we drove into the city and over the bridges i thought to myself i'm gonna move here. Cristina was visiting me from Los Angeles CA where she and i met 12 years ago. i guess we technically became friends 8 or 9 years ago but strangely when i first met her i said " you look like you should be behind a counter" she thought i was insane like most people do because i do let everything that's in my head come out of my mouth without any real sensor. But after seeing a picture of a crazy rainbow romeo and juliet painted car i had when i 1st moved to LA Cris said i know that car it used to be parked at the store i worked at, hence one of the 1st clothing stores i ever shopped at in CA. so i had met her upon moving there and she had cashed me out from behind a counter ha ha , so as nuts as i sounded my memory is a steal trap. Anyway flash forward till now we are still friends best friends infact we talk on the phone and text constantly. i decided to leave LA 2 years ago because i was just tired of working for other people and with an expensive city like that you have to work and alot. i just had this endless record playing in my head " you are too smart to be working for these jerks, you are an idea person put those ideas to work for yourself" so i made a decision to move back home to Buffalo NY where i spent my childhood, the crazy one i have been trying to escape from my whole life. So needless to say i moved back and hated it, all the money i saved to move back went out the window when i got a nice DUI before leaving CA. so i moved here with empty pockets, no friends and i was always around my family who by nature are just negative people. so i was angry and depressed i slept a lot, watched tv a lot and ate a lot horrible combo. but through the hazy cloudiness of my depression this insane desire to take photographs occured. its all i thought about i read books about Diane Arbus, and watched documentaries about Annie Leibovitz and Spencer Tunick. when i lived in LA i assisted Cristina {also a photographer} on some of her shoots i helped with makeup, styling, and posing, i even modeled for her several times. i always thought she's the photographer and i'm just an artist. a painter cause thats what i was mainly pursuing. looking back i realize now i had been taking pics forever just with a lot of shitty cameras but the attention to detail and desire to document has always been there. so i started taking pics with an old canon film camera to start, just walking around shooting, then as i slowly made friends i got inspired to do more themed pics. since i was working with film i had no idea how these pics were even gonna look having no real idea what i was doing but just doing it on pure instinct. i did a shoot with two friends in a cemetery very "twilight esc" vampire themed. i helped dress my models do their makeup and direct them in their posing. when i got the pics back i was floored they were amazing, i thought wow i should keep doing this. i am good at this and i love the feeling it gave me, just the rush of driving around and jumping out of car when i saw something cool to shoot. making it happen i felt like a director, i felt powerful and not lonely or secluded the way painting made me feel. so i kept shooting and shooting giving myself assignments and writing down future ideas. at the beginning of this year i got myself my 1st expensive professional camera and told myself this is what i am going to do for the rest of my life. the only question was how? who would pay me?what is the angle that can make me stand out? a few months later i decided to advertise that i do pin up esc pictures and also do makeup, hair and styling. just me, one person and you get the whole 3 ring circus. i was slammed right before valentines day so busy my head was spinning and it was all word of mouth. i was elated that i was even able to pull it off, with 1 light and a couple of pieces of fabric as backdrops. soon after the buzz dropped off and i felt again defeated. Cristina came for a visit and we went to Pittsburgh PA i just loved it, the city had a pulse, traffic, valet parking tons of restaurants, bars, people, crowds. things that in Buffalo seemed to be lacking. i had not been able to get a job in Buffalo in about 6 months and my photo business was well at a stand still. so i thought i know i'll move to Pittsburgh! i'll get a waitressing job and i'll save money so i can get more equipment and a my own photo studio. Life is funny i have to say cause while trying to find an apartment no one would call me back. i was on a mission to move cause i just knew if i got outta Buff all my problems would go away, i'd have more photo work in a bigger city, i'd have money coming in finally. so after several drives to PA and meetings with apt managers still no one would call me back. so i was like fuck this how can i flip this to make it work for me. i decided to put an ad on craigslist explaining my situation and including a pic of me and my dog. the next day i had 20 emails. i went from zero to hero! one girl sounded great so i went to PA to meet her. we had a blast totally got along i loved her house and her animals. so i went back to Buff to pack my things. before i left i posted on my photo page on Facebook (sweetheart pin up studio) that i was moving and if you want pics its your last chance. once again slammed....i barely had time to pack. but rented a uhaul and still moved to Pitt. got there unpacked went out for some drinks and started to think oh shit, i moved again! in another new place with no friends, no family "which i thought would be cool" but i felt empty again. then i realized crap i have more bills now and no job, how and where and when am i gonna work shit! crazy as life is more photo jobs started to come in from Buffalo and i found myself now commuting back and forth. because how could i not, i love taking pics and i can't just say no to my dream. 2 months i lived in PA and i was probably there a total of 14 days, the rest were in buff or driving back and forth. i missed my apt in Buffalo the painted rooms and spanish kitchen, i missed my privacy having my own place without roomates. i missed the friends i had made in Buff and all the new ones i started making through my photo jobs. i started to love the people in Buffalo for all their wackiness. i went back to PA and moved out. i built that place up like it was going to save me,i thought because it had bridges and trader joes i would be instantly happier. i thought maybe i'd meet someone to date cause i had not in Buff. i ended up seeing that what i was doing in Buffalo was unique and i was establishing myself and i never gave that place a chance. i just ran away like i have been doing since i was 17 years old. i realized it's not where you live its what you do with your time. its who you surround yourself with, its who you are that determines your own personal happiness. now i am back in Buffalo and i love it here and i am getting steady work as a photographer and steady praise and love from everyone i meet. i like this place for all the reasons i loved LA because of the characters i meet and the fun random things you can do here. i love the architecture, the festivals, the lakes, the space. i plan on staying here for a while i plan on not running away from the challenges ahead. i plan on being in charge of my future and not placing blame for my failures on a place. i know i can be happy anywhere as long as i am doing what i love.