Photos from the 14 days i lived in Pittsburgh PA

two people to love

Back in September of 2009 i found myself perusing craigslist for new friends and also reading dating profiles just out of boredom more than anything. i came across a profile under "strictly platonic" that was a young man who recently moved to Buffalo that was trans. i saw the pics he included and my heart just went out to him. so i wrote him so we could be friends, after a good month or more of emails back and forth i finally let my "creepy people off craigslist guard down " and decided to meet him. i expected a man dressed as a woman because thats what he implied he was, but instead i met this tall drink o'water hot athletic man. blonde hair, blue eyes just all around dreamfest. it was very confusing because i just thought how is it that this ken doll of a guy wants to be a woman doesn't he realize how much being a woman sucks ha ha. so we hung out and talked he was very mature for his ripe age of 20 years. we started calling each other on the phone regularly which is weird in this day and ages text marathon. i remember thinking wow phone calls how 80's but i'm into it. we hung out several times and i found myself being attracted being pulled into the mystery that he is/was. by halloween we went to a party and he grabbed my face and kissed me it was so nice i remembered thinking how innocent and high school the kiss was cause here i am this 30 year old woman being all coy and shy. he just manned up and took charge of pursuing me. which was nice cause it had been a long time since anyone had. i have to tell you that in the time we dated he dressed as man 98% of the time, so i was attracted to him that way. when he dressed as woman which was rare he changed he acted like a 12 year old girl which was odd and made me feel weird. i just couldn't wrap my head around the situation even though i was supportive and helpful. i even met his family i spent the holidays with them and i just adored his parents what wonderful people. i'm sure your wondering what was the sex like well it was nice at first pretty normal and loving. cause he is like me in the way that he allows himself to love someone which is such an amazing quality. i feel that even if something ends i still like to know i gave it a real shot. its nice to have those moments where you just look into someone's eyes and kiss them and assure them that they are amazing. cause we all are amazing in our uniqueness and our weakness. eventually he started to take steps in furthering his transition first electrolysis then came the meds...the hormones..or the mones as they call them. things changed and very abruptly. the only way i can explain it is take a man on steroids and give him a "period". its like all the emotions of a hysterical woman and mix it with a bodybuilders fury. it was scary at times, crying , screaming, punching a wall scary. i wanted to be a help i even went to a therapy session with him. i was very honest with the therapist on how confusing it was for me cause heres a guy dressed as a guy eating food like a wolverine and leaving the toliet seat up yet wants me to address him as her. she surprisingly agreed with my perception. i started to advertise my business as a photographer and started getting work and soon enough i started choosing my work over hanging with him. 1. because i love what i do 2. cause every time i was around him it was drama. the type of drama i had a 17, and i just couldn't go back to it. so i decided it best to end the relationship. i took several months off from talking to him, i think i should be correct now and say her. because i want to respect her choice and be a friend. but for a while i couldn't, it felt like a death of this man that swept me off my feet. i recently contacted Jess to see how she was finally all of my feelings evaporated so it was ok for me to be in her life again. she is doing well and in a new relationship that suits her more than i did. i'm glad i really am, i love when someone who was hurt and broken comes back to life reemerging as themselves with a new desire to live. hearing her laugh and joke with her new girlfriend put me at ease and made me remember that everything happens for a reason. love may not last with someone but it may prepare you for the next love coming into your life. i don't regret the time we shared i look back on it fondly and think wow that happened and it was really fucking cool. i'm also glad i got to take pic's of her in the very begining stages of her journey as well as the great pic's of us when we were super excited that we even just knew each other.

Sometimes you gotta leave a place to realize you love it.

A few months ago my friend Cristina and i decided to visit Pittsburgh PA on a whim, as soon as we drove into the city and over the bridges i thought to myself i'm gonna move here. Cristina was visiting me from Los Angeles CA where she and i met 12 years ago. i guess we technically became friends 8 or 9 years ago but strangely when i first met her i said " you look like you should be behind a counter" she thought i was insane like most people do because i do let everything that's in my head come out of my mouth without any real sensor. But after seeing a picture of a crazy rainbow romeo and juliet painted car i had when i 1st moved to LA Cris said i know that car it used to be parked at the store i worked at, hence one of the 1st clothing stores i ever shopped at in CA. so i had met her upon moving there and she had cashed me out from behind a counter ha ha , so as nuts as i sounded my memory is a steal trap. Anyway flash forward till now we are still friends best friends infact we talk on the phone and text constantly. i decided to leave LA 2 years ago because i was just tired of working for other people and with an expensive city like that you have to work and alot. i just had this endless record playing in my head " you are too smart to be working for these jerks, you are an idea person put those ideas to work for yourself" so i made a decision to move back home to Buffalo NY where i spent my childhood, the crazy one i have been trying to escape from my whole life. So needless to say i moved back and hated it, all the money i saved to move back went out the window when i got a nice DUI before leaving CA. so i moved here with empty pockets, no friends and i was always around my family who by nature are just negative people. so i was angry and depressed i slept a lot, watched tv a lot and ate a lot horrible combo. but through the hazy cloudiness of my depression this insane desire to take photographs occured. its all i thought about i read books about Diane Arbus, and watched documentaries about Annie Leibovitz and Spencer Tunick. when i lived in LA i assisted Cristina {also a photographer} on some of her shoots i helped with makeup, styling, and posing, i even modeled for her several times. i always thought she's the photographer and i'm just an artist. a painter cause thats what i was mainly pursuing. looking back i realize now i had been taking pics forever just with a lot of shitty cameras but the attention to detail and desire to document has always been there. so i started taking pics with an old canon film camera to start, just walking around shooting, then as i slowly made friends i got inspired to do more themed pics. since i was working with film i had no idea how these pics were even gonna look having no real idea what i was doing but just doing it on pure instinct. i did a shoot with two friends in a cemetery very "twilight esc" vampire themed. i helped dress my models do their makeup and direct them in their posing. when i got the pics back i was floored they were amazing, i thought wow i should keep doing this. i am good at this and i love the feeling it gave me, just the rush of driving around and jumping out of car when i saw something cool to shoot. making it happen i felt like a director, i felt powerful and not lonely or secluded the way painting made me feel. so i kept shooting and shooting giving myself assignments and writing down future ideas. at the beginning of this year i got myself my 1st expensive professional camera and told myself this is what i am going to do for the rest of my life. the only question was how? who would pay me?what is the angle that can make me stand out? a few months later i decided to advertise that i do pin up esc pictures and also do makeup, hair and styling. just me, one person and you get the whole 3 ring circus. i was slammed right before valentines day so busy my head was spinning and it was all word of mouth. i was elated that i was even able to pull it off, with 1 light and a couple of pieces of fabric as backdrops. soon after the buzz dropped off and i felt again defeated. Cristina came for a visit and we went to Pittsburgh PA i just loved it, the city had a pulse, traffic, valet parking tons of restaurants, bars, people, crowds. things that in Buffalo seemed to be lacking. i had not been able to get a job in Buffalo in about 6 months and my photo business was well at a stand still. so i thought i know i'll move to Pittsburgh! i'll get a waitressing job and i'll save money so i can get more equipment and a my own photo studio. Life is funny i have to say cause while trying to find an apartment no one would call me back. i was on a mission to move cause i just knew if i got outta Buff all my problems would go away, i'd have more photo work in a bigger city, i'd have money coming in finally. so after several drives to PA and meetings with apt managers still no one would call me back. so i was like fuck this how can i flip this to make it work for me. i decided to put an ad on craigslist explaining my situation and including a pic of me and my dog. the next day i had 20 emails. i went from zero to hero! one girl sounded great so i went to PA to meet her. we had a blast totally got along i loved her house and her animals. so i went back to Buff to pack my things. before i left i posted on my photo page on Facebook (sweetheart pin up studio) that i was moving and if you want pics its your last chance. once again slammed....i barely had time to pack. but rented a uhaul and still moved to Pitt. got there unpacked went out for some drinks and started to think oh shit, i moved again! in another new place with no friends, no family "which i thought would be cool" but i felt empty again. then i realized crap i have more bills now and no job, how and where and when am i gonna work shit! crazy as life is more photo jobs started to come in from Buffalo and i found myself now commuting back and forth. because how could i not, i love taking pics and i can't just say no to my dream. 2 months i lived in PA and i was probably there a total of 14 days, the rest were in buff or driving back and forth. i missed my apt in Buffalo the painted rooms and spanish kitchen, i missed my privacy having my own place without roomates. i missed the friends i had made in Buff and all the new ones i started making through my photo jobs. i started to love the people in Buffalo for all their wackiness. i went back to PA and moved out. i built that place up like it was going to save me,i thought because it had bridges and trader joes i would be instantly happier. i thought maybe i'd meet someone to date cause i had not in Buff. i ended up seeing that what i was doing in Buffalo was unique and i was establishing myself and i never gave that place a chance. i just ran away like i have been doing since i was 17 years old. i realized it's not where you live its what you do with your time. its who you surround yourself with, its who you are that determines your own personal happiness. now i am back in Buffalo and i love it here and i am getting steady work as a photographer and steady praise and love from everyone i meet. i like this place for all the reasons i loved LA because of the characters i meet and the fun random things you can do here. i love the architecture, the festivals, the lakes, the space. i plan on staying here for a while i plan on not running away from the challenges ahead. i plan on being in charge of my future and not placing blame for my failures on a place. i know i can be happy anywhere as long as i am doing what i love.

Autistic, more like Artistic.

Today was a great day. i have been feeling really down lately because i haven't been getting photo work, been advertising like hell, promoting, calling people, posting on craigslist and facebook but no responses. so i have just felt like poopy times, less than zero. My friend Rachel asked me if i could take some photos of her and her family. i said sure i'll give you my super friend cheapo rate "cause she has made me dinners, cupcakes, and modeled for me a bunch of times" then she said well i should pay you cause my brother is autistic so sometimes he doesn't listen and it can be really difficult. i thought to myself oh christ what have a signed myself up for, i started imagining this rain man guy running around yelling at me and swating my camera. it started sounding like a nightmare and the closer it got to me having to go to their home the more anxious i became. i pulled up and saw this red inviting quaint country home, flowers everywhere, tractors, gardening boots, just lovely. Rachel met me there and introduced me to her mother, this is going to sound so cliche' but they could have been sisters. her mom was blonde and bubbly with the same chaotic yet charming energy her daughter possesses. she walked me into her home first thing i noticed was how nicely it was decorated colored glass, fiesta china, antiques, hardwood floors, and dogs everywhere dogs. from tea cup mixed breed small dogs to a big black mastiff. they all had their own food dishes in sizes large , small, and teeny tiny. Rachel's mom was bright like a sunflower and quick like a laser beam as she swirled in circles talking a mile a minute to Rachel and without a breath making cutesy noises to the dogs aswell as showing me the remodeling that's not finished. then i noticed Jake sitting at the kitchen table looking at a small bowl of chips, quiet, just hanging out. no threat nothing scary nor difficult like what i had dreamt up. on my tour of the home i saw jakes room had this great wall of old tribal looking weapons "i'm obiviously not an archaeologist so thats the best description you'll get outta of me" and i thought wow how cool i really wanna get pic's of Jake infront of these if he'll let me. after walking around the house and the yard scoping out all the potential photo op areas i started thinking to myself this might be a decent shoot. So i started taking pic's of them in the kitchen, i really did just that no posing, nothing just observing them with my camera like a fly on a wall, the ladies didn't notice at all cause they were caught up in the web of words they were weaving back and forth, its interesting to be around because its like a ride they are on and your not invited and even if you were you couldn't break their mother daughter codes, it was like a new wavelength of communication. really even if i asked them to pose i got them to stay still for a fraction of a second. i shot pic's of them infront of the home, in the seemingly endless backyard, and i got to shoot pics of jake in his room. those are my favorites the only way he was difficult was because he would barely look in my direction, so i started showing him the pics on my camera as i shot them, and telling him how he looked like a movie star, cause to me he did. maybe i am a bleeding heart but i always feel a connection to people who are different its an instant attraction. i have no fear and feel this unspoken kinship with them. after he got used to my presence he looked my way and i got that perfect shot where you could see into his soul, it was the soul of someone who has lived beyond his years, he had the eyes of a wise old man, withered worn, yet educated and satisfied. he was darling and will be one of my most favorite subjects ever. Rachel's mother what a doll what a burst of pure sunshine she seemed like someone when faced with negativity that it would slide off of her like a drop of water, such a great energy she kissed Jake over and over again just giving him that attention and unconditional love that all kids need but not all of them get. i thought when i first met Rachel that she was an exceptional person a real gem smart, creative, quick, way beyond her years. being around her family everything i wondered about her was just explained without words. i got some really real feeling pic's just them being a family and me getting to record it, no fake smiles, or hard poses, just real happy loving wonderful people hanging out. towards the end of the shoot i asked Rachel if their was a private childhood thing her and Jake shared she was like yeah! the sign for I love you in sign language we always give that to each other, so one of the pic's above is them signing each other i found that really touching. the very last shot of the day was where Jake was facing the trees in the yard and his mother and sister are far in the distance, this is one of my fav pic's of all time, i can't even explain why i just feel like it's a strong image, Jake looking bigger than them, tall and independent. i felt very proud to have photographed them today just being there. i felt like if i was ever a mom i wanted to be that kind, loving, funny, excited and involved in all my new projects and vast interests. today i felt rich and nourished i felt that i may be broke, the work might not come as fast as i want it to, but every time i pick up a camera for free or for a small fee i feel like the wealthiest person alive and i know it's all because of my subjects and the utter satisfaction of seeing what i experience take on a permanent still life through a photograph.

the pirate and the belly dancer

When i first met Megan she had contacted me about doing some of my "speciality photos" basically where my client dreams up a look they would like to achieve through a photo could be a celebrity look a like, could be a an evil fairy in a forest i try to be as creative as possible so i love when it becomes a collaboration and challenges me in every aspect. i live to map out how i will do their makeup, their hair, how i will dress them. Megan said she was interested in doing something B&W drapey, very 1920's Paris postcard. i was immediately excited and started researching Paris in the 1920's and Miss Fernande first lady of erotica. i bought props for the shoot, flowers, i started setting up a scene, and arranging strands of pearls, ironing all my silky fabrics. like any other insane time sucking artist she arrived and i was still running around in circles with lace curtains wrapped around me, planning my pandora playlist for the shoot. Megan at first sight has a very calm and secure way about her , she smiled and i couldn't help but notice how much she looks like Drew Barrymore. I sat her down and showed her the ideas i had for the shoot, then we looked through the costumes she brought with her she had coin belts, decorated bras, thigh highs, and this gorgeous head piece from Afghanistan. i showed her the scene i had set up, then went on to do her makeup. i have been doing shoots like this for several months now and noticed that since i do spend alot of time attending to peoples makeup and hair that i develop this relationship similar to that of a beautician people share with me their secrets, their sonograms, their boy/girl dramas. i feel i really get to know people before i photograph them in some way i feel these photos are much more intimate because of the relationship that is created. Megan told me how she has Lupus, that she has been married 4 times, i found that impressive cause i can't even find anyone to date let alone propose. how her ex husband number 3 lives in her basement. how husband number 4 and husband number 3 get along great and hang out all the time. After her makeup and hair was finished i showed her which costumes she should put on and without any hesitation she disrobed in front of me walking gracefully around my studio amongst my large windows where neighbors are driving by. she is a fuller figured woman, in today's society of rail thin models in magazines, and the plastic surgery craziness one may think or call her fat or unattractive. i just saw someone with more confidence than i have, more confidence than any girl i have photographed thus far. most of the women i have shot recently were extremely thin under 120 lbs. with large breast augmentations, they looked like they fell out of a sports illustrated bathing suit issue. yet they all described themselves as fat and were bitching about their flabby stomachs or large thighs which none of them had. here was this real woman in her 30's with bruises from Lupus, and cellulite, scars from having gastric bypass surgery years earlier, stretch marks from losing weight and gaining it back walking around like she was lighter than air. it was refreshing to see and amazing to be around. the shoot was a blast , the pictures turned out great , a friend of mine likened them to the Ziegfield girls and i agree they are reminiscent of that time. Megan seemed very satisfied. through out the shoot we talked and she explained to me how she met her newest husband and its one of the best stories i have ever heard so i will share it with you. She had been asked to teach a belly dancing class to these young, thin long haired ladies who ended up becoming some of her best friends after one of their classes they all went out to a local bar still dressed in their belly dancing costumes, half shirts, and coin belts. they jangled into the bar for "all pirate night". there was a handsome blonde guy new to Buffalo from Seattle and he was the only man dressed as a pirate. there eyes met, they talked, he watched her sway and seductively dance around him and he said she was the most exciting woman he had met since he moved here. a year and a day after they met they got married. i had the cool experience of hanging out with them as a couple on several occasions, i see these two people who are an amazing team. at one party she brought in coin belts for all the ladies we jingled around and felt like gypsies after the party had died down her husband packed up all her belts. he kisses her constantly, tells her he misses her all the time and brags about how they are going to renew their vows soon. they asked me recently to come into their home and photograph them. those are the photographs above. it was a pleasure to experience two people so in love from the kitchen to the bedroom they were sneaking kisses and canoodling the whole time. their place was decorated so colorfully so warmly i didn't want to leave. i think what i learned through meeting them was its not always how you look its how you are that attracts someone. during one of the last pictures i took of them we recreated how they met her as the belly dancer he as the pirate and as she enticingly danced around him her body moved like liquid changing form in slow sexy shapes i never saw a fat woman, i saw a true goddess, a true beauty inside and out, i saw her through the eyes of her husband. i told myself next time there was a guy i wanted to meet i wouldn't avoid eye contact because i am ashamed of my shape because of "the fashion industries opinions" i will smile and laugh and be myself and if he doesn't find "me" attractive than he's an idiot and not worth this new goddesses time.